I have a pornography addiction. Do I need to tell my spouse?

from the old testament

• God created us for relationship, and He designed sex as a sacred gift for both procreation and pleasure (Genesis 1:28; Song of Solomon 4:10-16). According to Scripture, God intends sex to take place only within the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). Pornography corrupts and distorts this good design by separating sex from love, commitment, and holiness.
• Sin separates us not only from God but also from one another (Isaiah 59:2; Psalm 66:18). Secret sin—like hidden pornography use—undermines trust and intimacy in marriage.
• Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." Hiding sin deepens guilt and can harden our hearts.
• In Malachi 2:14-16, God describes marriage as a covenant of faithfulness, emphasizing loyalty, purity, and integrity between spouses.

from the new testament

• Jesus teaches that lust is adultery of the heart: "Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Pornography is not a harmless private issue. It is a spiritual and relational offense that deeply impacts our spouse.
• First John 1:7-9 urges believers to confess their sins and live openly before God and others, including one’s spouse. Healing comes through repentance and community, not secrecy.
• Ephesians 4:22-25 teaches us to put off falsehood and speak the truth in love, especially in close relationships like marriage.
• Marriage requires honesty and mutual support, which cannot happen if you are hiding a pornography addiction. In James 5:16, we are called to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” That principle applies in marriage too.

implications for today

Sexual addiction, including regular viewing of pornography, is considered an "intimacy disorder." Robert Weiss, a sexual addiction expert, defines it this way: "the inability to find, tolerate, or stay in relationships that involve the risks that come with being fully known." However, God intends for us to live in community with others– knowing and being known. Weiss says, "We all need healthy relationships for our survival—it is that important. We do not do well alone." Keeping secrets—especially a pornography addiction—from a spouse is damaging to the trust, intimacy, and unity that God designed for marriage (Ephesians 4:25; Proverbs 28:13). Secrecy creates emotional and spiritual distance, and unconfessed sin gives the enemy a foothold in the relationship (Ephesians 4:27). Honesty, though difficult, is essential for healing and restoration. God calls us to walk in the light, not hiding in shame, so that truth and grace can begin the work of reconciliation (1 John 1:7-9; James 5:16).

Discovering porn use or a pornography addiction without an intentional confession from the spouse often causes even more trauma and pain and feels like an infidelity. The longer the secret is kept, the more pain is caused. Some of this pain can be alleviated by telling a spouse and going through a recovery and reconciliation process together, even if it is difficult. While confession may lead to difficult conversations and broken trust, it also opens the door to truth, healing, and the possibility of rebuilding the relationship on a foundation of honesty and grace (Proverbs 24:26; Colossians 3:9-10). God is able to redeem what has been broken, but that redemption begins with humility, repentance, and a willingness to walk in the light—both before Him and with one another.

Pornography affects people in far more ways than they expect. And keeping a pornography addiction a secret produces far greater damage. God wants us to live in the abundant life He has for us, and this means dealing with and confessing any pornography addiction or use. Along with confessing to your spouse, pornaddiction.com offers some good counsel and resources. Anyone caught in a pornography addiction should also seek help through a local church or Christian counseling service.