Are Christians expected to honor an abusive parent?

We should love even those who hurt us, including abusive parents (Matthew 5:43-48; 1 Corinthians 13). We should honor them, too (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:2-3). We can follow the example of Stephen, who, like Jesus, showed love toward those who abused him (Acts 7:60). We should also extend forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15, 18:21-22). Additionally, abused children should, as adults, see to the care of their elderly and needy parents (Mark 7:9-13). Healthy boundaries are still important, though, especially for abusive parents who are unrepentant of their sin even after their child has called it out; God will take care of the situation (1 Corinthians 5:5). Second Corinthians 6:14 makes it clear that we aren’t to be closely bonded with unbelievers, so if our parents aren’t Christians, we might honor them from a distance. Even if we don’t have close family members, this doesn’t mean we are alone; we can reach out to our church family (Galatians 6:2). Most importantly, we can pray to God for wisdom about our situation (James 1:5).

from the old testament

Exodus 20:12, one of the Ten Commandments, says, "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
If we are dealing with abusive parents, we don’t have to face the situation alone. We can reach out to trusted believers for biblical counsel (Proverbs 15:22). We can and should also reach out to the proper authorities to report abuse.

from the new testament

Jesus tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:43-48). Only the Holy Spirit can heal an abusive heart. We should pray for an abusive parent that he or she would come to know Christ and become the parent God designed them to be.
Matthew 18:21-22 tells us to forgive others, and this extends to our parents; however, forgiving them does not absolve them of their sin in God's eyes. We should forgive our parents not because they “deserve” our forgiveness, but because Christ forgave us even though we were undeserving of His forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15).
In Mark 7:9-13, Jesus condemns the Pharisees for supporting ministry over the care of their own parents. Nowhere does the Bible absolve children from caring for their elderly parents who cannot care for themselves, even if they used to be or are still abusive. Even so, Scripture does not insist that elderly parents get everything they want, but we are responsible for their basic needs as far as we are able.
Stephen sought to love his enemies even when they were stoning him to death (Acts 7:60). Our parents may “stone” us with abusive words or actions, but we can still show them biblical love. Such love doesn’t preclude reporting abuse and/or creating physical or emotional distance to stop the cycle of abuse.
Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." We should pursue forgiveness and peace with our abusive parents, which will be different for each person depending on their situation.
Civil interaction may not be possible because of a parent's sin. First Corinthians 5:5 suggests that allowing a sinful Christian to reap his own rewards may be the most gracious course of action we can take.
Whatever 1 Corinthians 13 tells us about love, we are to apply to our parents. Some of these are extremely hard: "love…is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." This is agape love, the love that we can only show if Jesus lives in us. The good news is that He does not expect us to be able to do this on our own. We must rely on Him.
We must not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). If our abusive parents are unbelievers, we should still honor them, but we need not pursue a close relationship that could be a stumbling block to our walk with God.
We should reach out to our church family for support when we are caring for abusive parents (Galatians 6:2).
As always, we should ask God for wisdom about our situation with our parents (James 1:5).

implications for today

The Hebrew word for honor is kabad (Exodus 20:12), which can mean heavy, hard, or burdensome, and it can indeed be incredibly hard to honor an abusive parent. To honor them requires spiritual maturity and cannot be done in our own strength. But believers are indwelt by the Holy Spirit, who enables us to do what seems impossible on our own (Galatians 5:22-24). While it is biblical to respect our parents, we must also steward our lives and spiritual well-being, too. We may, therefore, report abuse, distance ourselves, or lay personal boundaries when necessary. For some types of abuse, civil authorities can and are often used by God to provide justice and protection. Reporting abuse is required of certain professionals and may save the life of a child or adult. Furthermore, it can be the honorable choice to take whatever action is necessary to prevent the sins of abuse and hateful feelings to harvest in our hearts. Thankfully, God works in us (Philippians 2:13), and if we follow Him He will complete the necessary work to enable us to honor our abusive parent(s) in a way that also honors Him (Philippians 1:6).

understand

Christians must honor their parents even if they were abusive.
“Honoring” may mean such acts as forgiving them, praying for them, and taking care of their needs in old age.
If the abusive parents are unbelievers, a close relationship with them is not required; abusive parents who are believers should be called to repentance.

reflect

In what ways have you fulfilled the command to honor your parents?
How has the Holy Spirit enabled you to show respect toward even those who have been unkind to you?
In what circumstances have you forgiven someone without reconciling the relationship and why?

engage

How can the church support people who are trying to heal from abuse?
What are some ways to honor an abusive parent while still maintaining healthy boundaries?
How can Christians exemplify the love of Christ through the way we treat those who have harmed us?