My spouse does not want to have children, but I do; what do we do?

TL;DR:

Children are a blessing from God, and marriage includes the calling to nurture and raise them in His ways. When spouses disagree about having children, they should pray, have open communication, and seek God’s guidance together while honoring each other.

what does the bible say?

The Bible presents children as a gift and blessing (Psalm 127:3-5). Couples facing differing desires about children are called to seek God first, recognizing His sovereignty over their family and the blessing of children (Matthew 6:33; Proverbs 19:21). Honest, detailed conversations are also crucial to understanding each spouse’s perspective, including fears, motivations, and life goals. While it is wise to have these conversations before marriage, even having them at that time doesn’t guarantee that views will not change. Prayerful discernment, coupled with Scripture, helps guide a couple toward God’s will (James 1:5; 2 Timothy 3:16-17). Solutions may involve compromise, such as waiting, fostering, adoption, or serving children in other ways, but the way to get there should always involve mutual respect as decisions are made (Ephesians 5:22, 5:25; Philippians 2:3-4). Counseling can provide support and clarity when disagreements are deeply rooted or complex (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22). Disagreements between husband and wife about having children call for humility, patience, and love, trusting God to guide both spouses toward a decision that honors Him and strengthens their marriage (Proverbs 3:5-6).

from the old testament

God says children are a blessing and one of the reasons He wants men and women to get married is procreation (Psalm 127:3-5; Genesis 1:28; 9:1). Whether we want children or not, God is ultimately in control of it.
Proverbs 17:6 speaks of grandchildren as a crown to the aged, showing the generational blessing of children.

from the new testament

The New Testament affirms children as gifts and as reflections of God’s love. Jesus welcomed children and values them highly (Mark 10:13-16), indicating that we should cherish and care for them.
Children also illustrate God’s kingdom, showing dependence, humility, and trust (Matthew 18:1-5).
Paul in Ephesians 6:1-4 encourages raising children in the Lord, showing that nurturing them is both a privilege and a responsibility.
If spouses disagree regarding having children, the path forward involves prayer, open discussion, and seeking God’s guidance together. For some, this may mean waiting, seeking counsel, or discerning God’s will for your marriage, always prioritizing unity and honoring Him in the relationship (Ephesians 5:21-33).

implications for today

Many married couples disagree about having children. Couples should discuss this topic before marriage, but the reality is that people may not be completely honest with their partner or themselves because they really want the relationship to work. While the world would suggest divorce for such different views, Christians know that God wants them to work to preserve their marriage (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9).

Couples must bring the issue before God. Our relationship with God is our number one priority. Through prayer and reading Scripture couples can gain wisdom on how to proceed and insight into God's will for their situation (Proverbs 3:5–6; James 1:5).

In addition to bringing the issue before God, honest communication and seeking Christian counseling may help resolve the disagreement. For instance, perhaps a couple will agree to a compromise, such as waiting a few years before getting pregnant, fostering or adopting instead of having biological children, or maybe even volunteering or working with other children.

Self-examination is also important. Our motives should be right: to honor God in our choices and love our spouse. Correction is needed when the reasons for not wanting children are purely selfish, such as wanting to focus on personal interests or a career, fears about giving birth, fears about parenting, or negative childhood experiences. Reasons for wanting children can also come from selfish or insecure motives, such as jealousy over friends having kids. These desires should be explored and prayerfully submitted to God. When deciding whether or not to have children, couples should seek God's will and root their decision in their love and respect for each other. They should pray that God will transform their minds and hearts so that they will know His will (Romans 12:2).

understand

Children are a blessing from God, and raising them is a biblical responsibility.
Spouses should seek God together through prayer and open communication when they disagree.
Compromise or alternative solutions should honor God and strengthen the marriage.

reflect

How have you sought God’s guidance in your desire to have children, and how are you waiting on His timing?
How can you check if your reasons for wanting or not wanting children are rooted in God’s purposes, or in personal fears or desires?
How can you approach conversations with your spouse in a way that honors them and reflects Christ’s love?

engage

How can couples prayerfully discern God’s will when they disagree about having children?
What biblical principles can guide couples toward compromise or alternative ways of nurturing children?
How can seeking God in the decision of whether or not to have children strengthen both the marriage and your individual relationship with Him?