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Can we choose not to love someone?

Can we choose not to love someone?
Restoration Kingdom Living Relationships

TL;DR:

Love in the Bible isn’t just a feeling—it’s a choice to act with the same self-sacrificial love God shows us. Believers cannot choose not to love others; through His strength, we are called to love even when our feelings say otherwise.

what does the bible say?

The Bible teaches that love is not merely a feeling but a deliberate, self-sacrificial commitment that reflects God’s own character (1 John 4:8). Because God commands believers to love Him and love others—including enemies—Christians cannot simply choose to stop loving when emotions change (Deuteronomy 6:5; Leviticus 19:9; Matthew 22:36–39; 5:43). This kind of love, known as agape, is the faithful, sacrificial love God demonstrated most clearly by sending His Son to die for us (John 3:16). Left to ourselves, we cannot love this way, but through the power of God and the work of the Spirit believers are enabled to grow in such love (Philippians 4:13; Galatians 5:22–24; Matthew 19:26). As new creations in Christ, Christians are called to live out this love in their actions toward others (2 Corinthians 5:17; John 14:21). Loving someone does not always mean maintaining a close relationship, but it means seeking their good (Romans 12:17; Luke 10:25–37). Believers love others because God first loved us, and His unchanging love becomes the foundation and model for how we treat others (1 John 4:19; Matthew 5:45).

from the old testament

  • Love is a command for believers, which means it's not based solely on feelings, which are ephemeral. Even in the Old Testament, believers are commanded to love God (Deuteronomy 6:5) and love our neighbors as ourselves (Leviticus 19:9).

from the new testament

  • Believers cannot stop loving. John wrote, "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8). The type of love God shows us is agape, a deliberate, self-sacrificing, faithful love, not one that stops when feelings change.
  • Believers become "new creations" in Christ, and the Spirit sanctifies us so we can show love to others as God commands us to (2 Corinthians 5:17). This may seem impossible, especially toward those who have hurt us. But we love this way through God's strength, not ours (Philippians 4:13; Galatians 5:22-24; Matthew 19:26).
  • God's strength is the only way we can fulfill Jesus' command to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:39) and even love our enemies (Matthew 5:43). We may not have a warm feeling toward either, but we should show the same love for them as the Samaritan in Jesus' parable did for the injured man (Luke 10:25-37).
  • Agape entails behavior, not merely feelings. Jesus said, "Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me" (John 14:21). Our feelings for someone may change, but our love for others cannot stop if we are children of God. The basis of a believer's love for others is Christ's love for us, which doesn't change.
  • Often our feelings follow our actions. Our feelings toward others may begin to change as we mature in our faith and reflect on God's love. He sent His Son to die for us (John 3:16). He provides common grace to everyone, even for those who deny Him (Matthew 5:45). Christians are to show such love to others.

implications for today

It is common to hear people say, “I can’t help how I feel,” as a way to excuse harsh words, resentment, or retaliation. While feelings may change, the love believers show others should not, because it is rooted in God’s love rather than our emotions. We are always called to love others.

Does this mean we are to be close friends with everyone? No, loving someone does not always mean maintaining a close or trusting relationship, especially when someone is harmful or unsafe. However, we can still love them by refusing to repay wrong with wrong, choosing forgiveness over bitterness, and seeking the other person’s good (Romans 12:17). This may mean praying for them, speaking kindly even when they do not do so toward you, or showing kindness when opportunities arise. It may mean sharing the gospel with them, even if they say they do not want to hear it.

As we remember how deeply God has loved us, even when we were undeserving, we are empowered to reflect that same love to others, even those we do not like or those who have wronged us (1 John 4:19). We love others because of God's love for us (1 John 4:19).

understand

  • God commands us to love others, so believers cannot choose not to; we do so through His strength, not ours.
  • God is love and shows selfless (agape) love toward us; we're to emulate that to others.
  • Agape love is doesn't change when feelings change.

reflect

  • When your feelings toward someone are negative, what helps you choose to act in love rather than respond out of emotion?
  • Is there someone in your life right now whom you find difficult to love, and what would it look like for you to seek that person’s good?
  • How can remembering God’s love for you help you respond differently to people who have hurt or frustrated you?

engage

  • How does agape differ from how much of today's society defines "love"?
  • What are some ways that believers can show agape love toward others, even those who have wronged you?
  • How can we encourage and support each other in loving difficult people in a Christlike way?

More Resources

Theology Is

Is 'forgive and forget' a biblical concept?

The Bible does not use the phrase "forgive and forget." God forgives sinners and points to believers’ responsibility to likewise forgive others.
Relationships Can we choose who we show love to?

Can we choose who we show love to?

God calls us to choose love intentionally, not just for those we like but for everyone. Loving others is an active decision that reflects God’s character and points the world to Him.
Theology What is the meaning of agape love?

What is the meaning of agape love?

Agape love is a sacrificial, selfless love that seeks the good of others regardless of what it costs us or whether we’re loved in return. Jesus modeled agape love perfectly by dying for us while we were still His enemies, and we are called to love others in the same way through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Life Why is loving others often so hard to do?

Why is loving others often so hard to do?

As Christians, we are called to love everyone, from people we love dearly to others that we do not even like. Our connection with God can greatly impact our capacity to love the people around us.