What should Christians do when they have disputes (Matthew 18:15–17)?

TL;DR:

When disputes happen between believers, we must put our pride aside and seek Christ-centered reconciliation. Christians will face conflicts, but there's always room for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

what does the bible say?

Disputes are a normal part of humanity due to the fall. Where there are people, there will be difficulty, which can turn into disputes. However, God gives us what we need to handle disputes and seek reconciliation. In the Old Testament, we see a beautiful example of reconciliation between Jacob and Esau. Even after the many wrongs Jacob dealt to his brother, Jacob is compassionately forgiven by Esau, and their relationship is reconciled. In the New Testament, the Parable of the Prodigal Son serves as an example of powerful reconciliation. In the parable, a wayward son disrespects and dishonors his family, yet his father immediately restores him when he returns home. Matthew 18:15–17 focuses on conflict resolution between believers. Rather than gossip or get unaffected parties involved in a dispute, Jesus tells us to approach the offending party in private and seek resolution (Matthew 18:15). If this does not work, we are to invite another person to seek resolution. If this does not work, we are to bring them and the matter before the church. Lastly, if church discipline does not lead the person to reconciliation, they are to be removed from the church body. Jesus also instructs us to prioritize reconciliation with those whom we have offended. Christians are not immune to disputes, disagreements, or even outright sinning against one another, yet there is always room for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

from the old testament

After Jacob manipulates Esau into selling his birthright and betrays him by stealing his blessing, he runs away from home. Many years later, Jacob and his family cross paths with Esau. Instead of attacking Jacob or taking revenge, Esau extends amazing compassion and love toward his estranged brother. When he sees Jacob, he runs toward him, kisses him, and even weeps with him (Genesis 33:3–4).

from the new testament

Matthew 18:15–17 reveals how Christians should handle disputes. The first step Jesus instructs for resolving a conflict between Christians is to approach the offending party in private (v. 15). If the dispute cannot be resolved between two parties, then one or two other believers can be invited in to help the situation (v. 16). If the situation cannot be solved by personal approach or through bringing a few others, then the church must get involved (v. 17). If this does not work, then the person who has committed the sin is to be treated as "a Gentile and a tax collector” (v. 17).
In Matthew 5:23–24, Jesus encourages speedy reconciliation: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Whether we are the offended party, as in Matthew 18, or the offending party, as in Matthew 5, the first step in resolving a dispute is to go to the other person and attempt to make peace.
Jesus also counsels in Matthew 5:25 to "Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison." We should not procrastinate on reconciling ourselves with someone we have offended.
In His Parable of the Prodigal Son, Jesus shares a beautiful depiction of what reconciliation looks like. Even after a selfish son squanders his father’s inheritance, he is restored into his father’s family when he returns home (Luke 15:11–32).
In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul talks about sexual sins present in the Corinthian church. One person was having sexual relations with his father's wife. In response to this, Paul instructs the Corinthians to “deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord" (1 Corinthians 5:5). We should not associate ourselves with those who claim to be brothers in Christ yet prove themselves not to be. Such people should be excommunicated so that they will come back to God.
In 2 Corinthians 2:8, Paul instructs the Corinthian church to restore the same man, telling them: "So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him." Since church discipline was effective, the church was called to fully accept the brother back into their family.

implications for today

Christians are not immune from disputes, disagreements, or even outright sinning against one another. Yet, even in the most severe conflicts, such as Jacob’s sins against Esau, the prodigal son’s betrayal of his father, or the man Paul refers to who committed egregious sexual sin—there is room for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. When we have wronged someone, we should speedily seek out reconciliation, and when we have been wronged, we should follow Jesus’s example and forgive them as instructed in Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

understand

We are to seek private resolution first, approaching the person directly and in private to resolve the issue.
We are to involve others if necessary if private resolution fails.
We are to always aim for forgiveness and restoration, even if church discipline is necessary.

reflect

How can you prioritize reconciliation in your own relationships, especially when you feel wronged or offended?
How does the way you deal with conflict compare to how the Bible calls us to deal with conflict?
In what ways can you better demonstrate forgiveness, as Jesus taught, in your interactions with others?

engage

What specific steps can we take as believers to ensure we follow Matthew 18:15–17 in resolving disputes in our church or community?
How can the examples of Jacob and Esau, or the prodigal son, inform our understanding of reconciliation in difficult situations?
How might pride or fear hinder us from approaching someone to resolve a dispute, and how can we overcome those obstacles?