Is it true that if you spare the rod, you'll spoil the child (Proverbs 13:24)?

from the old testament

• The book of Proverbs is wisdom literature, offering guidance through life. It largely explains how things normally work in a situation but does not guarantee specific outcomes. Such wisdom is thus known as a truism: It is generally true but not true in every circumstance.
• Proverbs 13:24 reads, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Note that “rod” refers to “corrective discipline,” which can take different forms in different cultures and families.
• There are two truisms in this verse. The first is that an undisciplined child will generally grow up spoiled. When a child is not corrected for small sins, and given that humans are sinful by nature (e.g., Psalm 14:3), the natural tendency is for the child to grow more entitled and more sinful over time. The second truism is the implied implication that discipline keeps a child from being spoiled. See also Proverbs 29:15.
• However, because these are truisms, neither is guaranteed. A disciplined child may still be spoiled, and an undisciplined one may grow to be obedient. But wisdom dictates that such results are the exception, not the rule, and a wise parent does not ignore the wisdom, hoping for the contrary outcome.
• The primary point of this verse is not the outcome but the reflection of the parent’s heart. A parent who avoids disciplining is doing it at great risk to their child’s future. Thus, a lack of discipline expresses a lack of loving concern for that child. God modeled the fact that discipline is for one’s good by disciplining Israel (Deuteronomy 8:5). Thus, He expressed His love for her through His discipline. Solomon said, “My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:11–12).

from the new testament

• Quoting Proverbs 3:11–12, the author of Hebrews applied that to believers (Hebrews 12:5–6). He said that God disciplines because believers are His children, noting that “God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” (Hebrews 12:7). He added, “If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons” (Hebrews 12:8). A true child of God can expect God’s discipline because God loves him or her.
• The implication is that just like God disciplines those whom He loves, human parents discipline out of love. As stated in the Old Testament, a lack of discipline demonstrates a lack of genuine love for a child’s long-term well-being. In short, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).
• Parents are to be controlled, loving, and reasonable in their discipline. They must be careful to “not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). A believer’s goal is to teach their children about God’s love and salvation through Jesus. Discipline is to be used to teach them about sin and its consequences, but that must also be balanced with mercy and showing how God forgives those who are truly repentant.

implications for today

Being a truism, it is not a promise that if you do or don’t discipline your child, he or she will or will not be spoiled. We are all sinful from birth (Romans 3:23; Psalm 51:5) and born already on the path towards rebellion. Proverbs 13:24 warns that if we don’t restrain our child, more likely than not, their sinfulness will expand and they will become spoiled. Just like it’s harder to put toothpaste back in a tube than it is to squeeze it out, it’s harder to restrain disobedience than it is for disobedience to flow out.

A wise parent is therefore one who realizes that all hearts, even their child’s, are deceptively wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). They discipline them when that evil heart shows itself, teaching them that sin has consequences and that God hates sin and punishes it. In doing so, they disciple their children. They teach them that they are sinners just like their moms and dads and that, just like their parents, they will also one day stand before God to give an account of their lives.

So, loving parents are those who do their best to show their children that they are sinners by disciplining them—in love, not anger—and pointing them to Jesus, who saves sinners. In so doing, a loving parent disciplines for the sake of their child’s eternal good.

Remember this, though. God is the one who saves, not parents. If you feel despondent over not disciplining your now adult children, don’t despair: place them in God’s hands. Continue to share the gospel with them and pray for them, taking comfort in the fact that history is filled with great men and women who started as wicked children. God can save even your children!