How should we respond to verbal abuse?

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?

Verbal abuse is when words are used to tear others down, to intentionally hurt them. The phrase "verbal abuse" isn't found in Scripture, but the Bible describes such behavior and identifies it as sinful. Many of the Proverbs speak to the destructive power of words (Proverbs  12:18, 15:1-2, 18:21; cf. James 3:8-9). In the Mosaic Law, God commanded His people to love others because doing so reflects His love (Leviticus 19:18, 19:34). In His earthly ministry, Jesus put loving others only second to loving God (Matthew 22:39). Verbally abusing others is the opposite of showing love to them. In fact, Paul groups "revilers" (criticizing abusively) with those who will not enter God's kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Sometimes people abuse terms, such as identifying truth-telling as "verbal abuse." But Scripture distinguishes between the two. The Bible commands us to tell others even hurtful truths (Matthew 18:15; 2 Timothy 4:2) but directs us to do so graciously (Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 4:6).

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT

• The idea that only physical abuse is actually abuse is refuted by many passages of Scripture (Proverbs 12:18, 15:1-2; Psalm 64:2–3). Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."
• David writes, "Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it" (Psalm 34:13-14). Verbally abusing another person is the opposite of seeking peace.
• Part of imaging God to others is showing His love to them. The Mosaic Law commands God's people to "love your neighbor as yourself," a command immediately followed by "I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:18; cf. Leviticus 19:34). God's people were to follow God's ways. Any sort of abuse toward another—whether physical or verbal—is sin.
• Loving our neighbors includes telling them harsh truths when need be. This is distinct from "verbal abuse." Proverbs says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy" (Proverbs 27:5-6; see also Leviticus 19:17).

FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT

• Jesus called loving others as ourselves a commandment only second to loving God (Matthew 22:39). Abusing others with our words is unloving.
• Jesus also identifies what we say as a marker of who we are: "The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Consistently abusing someone with words points to an evil heart. A person who unrepentently persists in verbal abuse cannot honestly claim to be Christian.
• In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul puts "revilers" among those who will not inherit God's kingdom (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Reviling someone is a type of verbal abuse.
• James describes the tongue "a restless evil, full of deadly poison" (James 3:8). The metaphor of our words as poison shows how harmful verbal abuse can be. James notes "these things ought not to be so" (James 3:9).
• Our speech should "always be gracious, seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6). We're to "avoid unwholesome talk" and, instead, build "others up according to their needs" (Ephesians 4:29).
• Verbal abuse is not the same as confronting someone directly with the truth. Scripture commands the latter (Matthew 18:15; 2 Timothy 4:2) but condemns the former (Colossians 3:8; Titus 3:2).

IMPLICATIONS FOR TODAY

"Gaslighting." "Narcissist." "Toxic." "Triggered." If you haven't heard those popular pop-psychology terms, then you're the rare person who doesn't spend any time on social media. Sadly, those social media "diagnoses" are often applied to those who simply disagree with us. "Verbal abuse" falls into that category, which sadly means it's often minimized when it really is happening. It happens and it hurts. Verbal abusers wield words like a boxing glove, aiming for hits that will have the most hurtful impact. The goal of a verbal abuser is not to correct but to harm. The Bible condemns this.

What should you do if you're in a relationship with someone who is actually verbally abusive? If that person claims to be a believer, the goal should be to restore the abuser to proper relationship with God (and yourself) by confronting him or her with the truth (Matthew 18:15) and then escalating it depending on the response (Matthew 18:16-17). So, don't just let it lie. It isn't good for you, and it isn't good for the abuser who is in rebellion against God. We are not called to simply absorb abuse. Instead, we are called to pursue truth and peace, which often includes naming what is happening clearly, seeking help from trusted believers or leaders, and creating appropriate distance or boundaries when necessary. Even then, we can continue to pray for repentance and healing while also protecting ourselves.

UNDERSTAND

• The Bible condemns verbal abuse, words meant to tear others down and hurt them.
• Verbal abuse is the antithesis of God's command to love others as ourselves.
• Verbal abuse is not the same thing as telling another person the truth, which Scripture instructs us to do.

REFLECT

• How do you seek to honor God and others with your words?
• When another believer confronts you, how do you distinguish between legitimate correction and "verbal abuse"?
• What are some ways that you would support believers who are victims of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal?

ENGAGE

• How can we better distinguish between loving correction and harmful speech that crosses into verbal abuse?
• What does healthy confrontation look like in a Christian community?
• How can we support those who are affected by verbal abuse?