What does the command to honor my father and mother mean?

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?

Honoring parents is first mentioned in Exodus 20:12, in which God instructs the Israelites to "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” This command is later echoed in Ephesians 6:2-3 for those in the church. The Greek word for “honor” in Ephesians 6:2 is timao, which means we are to treat our parents with high value—-not contingent on good behavior. If we have an unbelieving or abusive parent, we are to still treat them with love—-specifically, agape love (Matthew 5:44-47; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7), forgive them (Matthew 18:21-22), and pursue reconciliation (Matthew 18:15-17). Those with unbelieving parents must balance the command to honor them with the instruction in 2 Corinthians 6:14 to not be closely bonded with unbelievers. Believers should not pursue a relationship with those who would cause them to stumble spiritually, violate God’s commands, or in any way interfere with our relationship with God. We should also use biblical discernment when it comes to their advice (Psalm 1). Part of honoring parents includes caring for their needs when they get older, even if that means putting them above ministry (Mark 7:9-13). Galatians 5:22-23 reveals the fruits of the Holy Spirit we should be reflecting in all our relationships, including our relationship with our parents.

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT

• Exodus 20:12 lists the fifth of the Ten Commandments: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you."
• Honor does not always mean doing what our parents say if they provide us with unbiblical advice or act against our conscience. Moreover, if our parents are unbelievers, we may put a lower value on their advice (Psalm 1).

FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT

• Even if we have abusive parents, we are to love them (Matthew 5:44-47). This doesn’t mean “love” in the sense that we feel warmly for them; it means love in our actions toward them. Our love is for God, so we act in ways that please Him (Matthew 22:36-40). We are also to seek reconciliation when issues and misunderstandings get in the way (Matthew 18:15-17) and forgive them wholeheartedly (Matthew 18:21-22).
• The Bible doesn’t absolve us from seeing to our parent’s basic needs when they are older (Mark 7:9-13). We should give our parents a high value—even higher than ministry.
• Honoring our parents in a biblical way means showing them agape love (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Depending on our situation (for example, if we have abusive parents) we may need to set up boundaries, report their sin, and so on, -but all of this should be done out of love for them, ourselves and our family members, -not out of spite or revenge.
• Not all parents are godly, and 2 Corinthians 6:14 provides counsel for dealing with ungodly people. We should not maintain a closely bonded relationship with those who will hinder our personal relationship with God.
• Galatians 5:22-23 lays out the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and we should treat our parents according to the qualities in this list.
• Ephesians 6:2-3 echoes the Old Testament commandment for those in the church age: "'Honor your father and mother'” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 'that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.'"

IMPLICATIONS FOR TODAY

In the Old Testament, the word honor is translated in Hebrew as kabad, which means to be heavy, weighty, grievous, hard, rich, glorious, burdensome. In other words, our parents should be a significant priority in our lives. Christian scholars generally divide the Ten Commandments into two groups; the first four dealing with God and the last six with other people. But Jewish scholars divide the commandments evenly. This puts "honor your father and mother" in the same category as those commandments telling us to honor God. We are to hold our parents in high regard according to a biblical worldview.

Certain boundaries should be set for unbelieving or abusive parents to protect our conscience, ensure the safety of ourselves and others, and uphold biblical commands. Even so, calling out our parent's sin or creating healthy boundaries can still be done in a way that is honorable to him or her. This may even be necessary for parents who are believers. In practical terms, honoring our parents means putting them as a high priority in our lives, which means treating them with love, care, and forgiveness. If we are unsure of how to handle our situation with our parents, we can seek the counsel of other trusted believers. Above all, we can ask for God’s wisdom on our situation (James 1:5).

UNDERSTAND

• The command to honor your father and mother means showing them love, respect, and dignity, regardless of their behavior.
• Honoring includes caring for their needs while setting healthy boundaries when necessary.
• Biblical honor reflects the fruit of the Spirit and keeps God’s heart and commands central in the relationship.

REFLECT

• How are you actively showing love, respect, and dignity to your parents?
• Where might you need to set healthy boundaries with your parents while still honoring them in a God-honoring way?
• How does reflecting the fruit of the Spirit influence the way you respond to your parents, especially in challenging situations?

ENGAGE

• What does honoring our father and mother mean and what does it not mean?
• How can we practically care for our parents’ needs as they age without neglecting our own spiritual growth or responsibilities?
• What does it look like to love and forgive parents who have been difficult or abusive?