What should I do if I have been burned and hurt by the church? How can I overcome my aversion to the church?

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?

The hurt we experience in a church can be very painful, even infuriating. However, being part of a Christ-centered church is crucial to our spiritual walk (Romans 12:5; 1 Corinthians 12:15; Ephesians 1:22-23; 4:11-13, 15-16). While it can be tempting to jump on the defensive and judge others, we should examine our own actions (Matthew 7:5); sometimes, we may be playing a role in the conflict. Whether or not we are at fault, we can pursue peace (Romans 12:18) even if that means forgiving those who have offended us (Matthew 18:15-20) or surrendering our strong feelings—even vengefulness—over to the Lord (Romans 12:19). While the first reaction may be to write off a church and leave it after we are wounded, it’s wiser to bring our feelings and concerns to God, and ask Him for direction (Proverbs 3:5-6; James 1:5). If it doesn’t involve gossiping about others, we can also seek counsel from godly believers before we make any final decisions (Proverbs 15:22). Ultimately, we are not alone in our healing process. Even if we do leave a church to find a new one, our Healer can help bind up our emotional wounds as we move forward into a new chapter in our life (Psalm 147:3).

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT

• No matter what hurt we have experienced from the church, we have a God who can help us heal. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
• In church conflicts, as with any other life decision, we should put our trust in the Lord rather than our own understanding: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
• Sometimes our hurt over a church situation can lead us to become defensive and impulsively leave. Asking for counsel from godly people we trust is wiser : “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22).

FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT

• Before judging others harshly, we should examine our own actions and see if we have had any part to play in the issue (Matthew 7:5). Ask the Lord to reveal any personal culpability that you don’t recognize (Philippians 4:6-7; James 1:5).
• If our hurt was caused by a brother or sister in Christ, we should follow the biblical teaching about forgiveness (Matthew 18:15-20). That does not mean we excuse what happened, but it means we forgive and remain open to reconciliation if the opportunity presents itself.
• Leaving the church should not be taken lightly: Each believer is a crucial part of the church body (Romans 12:5; 1 Corinthians 12:15).
• In Romans 12:18, Paul tells God’s people to “live peaceably with all.” That’s different depending on each person’s situation, so we should ask God to guide us to do what is pleasing in His sight.
• Sometimes conflict in a church can ignite a heated response from us, but we must let go of any vengefulness and leave it to God (Romans 12:19).
• If we aren’t sure whether we should stay at or leave a church, we can ask for God’s wisdom on the matter: ​​”If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).

IMPLICATIONS FOR TODAY

The Church—both as a universal spiritual body and as a local institution—powerfully influences our lives. Those who have been hurt by a church should avoid impulsive decisions and move through the situation with intentionality. Before allowing bitterness or fear to take root, we must remember the God-given role of the church in our Christian walk. We should pray to God about our situation and ask for His wisdom and strength as we “seek peace” (Psalm 34:14). This may involve taking challenging spiritual steps—like confrontation, forgiveness, inner healing, or leaving in a Christ-like way to seek another Christ-centered church. Despite how we have been treated in the church, God truly loves us. One way He shows this love is through establishing the church for our good and His glory..

UNDERSTAND

• Deciding to leave a church should never be done impulsively but with God’s guidance, using biblical principles.
• Addressing church conflicts with the people involved and, potentially, church elders is an important step before leaving a church.
• Believers who decide to leave a church should do so in a Christ-like manner, avoiding gossip.

REFLECT

• If you’ve ever experienced conflict in a church, how did you handle it?
• What are some biblical factors that help you decide whether a church is right for you?
• What is your first reaction when you experience conflict within the church? Is it to seek God’s counsel?

ENGAGE

• How have you/would you help those who have come to you for counsel about a conflict within the church?
• What steps can you take to be at peace with others in your church, even those whom you may not have much in common with?
• How can you best welcome those coming from another church while avoiding the temptation to gossip about the previous church?