How close is too close before marriage?

from the old testament

• The Bible never gives a list of approved and forbidden dating behaviors or specifies exactly how physically close an unmarried couple can be. Instead, it provides principles about sexual purity, holiness, self-control, love, wisdom, and God's design for marriage that help answer the question. From the beginning, God designed sexual intimacy to belong within the covenant of marriage. Genesis 2:24 teaches that a man and woman become "one flesh" (have sex) in marriage. Sexual union was intended to express and strengthen the covenant bond between husband and wife. The question about boundaries in dating is not merely, "How far can I go?" but "Am I honoring God's design for intimacy?"
• Throughout the Old Testament, sexual sin is consistently treated as serious because it violates God's holy design. God's people were repeatedly called to be holy in every area of life, including sexuality (Leviticus 19:2).
• Wisdom literature encourages people to flee situations that invite sexual temptation. Proverbs repeatedly warns against placing oneself in situations that lead toward sexual sin (Proverbs 5:1–23; Proverbs 6:27–28; Proverbs 7:6–27). The wise person does not ask, "How close can I get?" but "How can I avoid temptation?"
• The Song of Solomon celebrates romantic love while warning against stirring up sexual desire before the proper time. We are told: do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). Physical affection should not awaken desires that cannot be righteously fulfilled. Too close is when our desires are stirred before we can fulfill them in marriage. If it makes us want more or leads us closer and closer to sexual intimacy, we need to stop.

from the new testament

• Sexual purity includes more than just not having intercourse. It means not doing things that lead our hearts, minds, and bodies toward intercourse. Jesus raised the standard beyond mere outward behavior. He said, "Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27–28). The issue is not only what our bodies are doing but what our hearts are pursuing.
• We are called to abstain from sexual immorality: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality" (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5). The Greek word translated "sexual immorality" (porneia) is broad and includes all sexual activity outside marriage.
• Rather than seeing how close one can get to sin, believers are told to run from it. First Corinthians 6:18 tells us to "flee from sexual immorality." Paul does not say to manage it carefully but to avoid it altogether. We shouldn't be asking how close we can get to not having sex, but rather how close are we to God, and are we guarding each other's hearts and bodies well?
• Biblical love is not driven by personal gratification. Love "does not insist on its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5). A godly dating relationship asks, "How can I help this person follow Christ?" rather than "How much physical intimacy can we enjoy?"

implications for today

Can we hold hands? Kiss? Make out? Take a nap together? Those questions aren't ultimately answered by asking, "Where is the line?" and "How close is too close?" but by asking, "Am I loving this person I am dating the way Christ calls me to?"

The danger in dating is that we often focus on avoiding the final step of having sex while ignoring all the smaller steps that awaken desires we were never meant to satisfy outside of marriage. And when we do so, we inch closer and closer and become more and more numb to what we allow. "Well, we've already done this, so what's the harm in going further?" When you continually push physical boundaries, you're not just risking temptation; you're practicing a pattern of taking rather than serving, consuming rather than protecting, and indulging rather than exercising self-control.

In doing this, you are stealing something from your future spouse. If the person you're dating is not your future spouse, you're giving away forms of intimacy that should lead to and only belong within a future marriage covenant. And even if that person does become your spouse, you are still robbing both of you of something important: the opportunity to learn how to love sacrificially and exercise self-control before marriage.

Self-control is not a skill that suddenly appears on your wedding day. The habits you build while dating are often the habits you carry into marriage. If you train yourself to constantly push boundaries now, don't be surprised when you struggle to honor boundaries later. Real love while dating doesn't ask, "How much can I get away with?" It asks, "How can I honor God and protect this person's heart, purity, and future?" Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is not to get as close as you can, but to willingly choose restraint because their holiness matters more to you than your desires.