What are appropriate boundaries in dating?

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TL;DR:

While dating was not a practice in biblical times, we must date in ways that reflect purity, respect, and the sacredness of marriage. Guarding our hearts, embracing God's design for love, and setting boundaries that honor God and the other person lays a foundation for a lasting commitment within the parameters God has set for us.

from the old testament

  • Though not about dating, Genesis 2:24 is a foundational passage that defines God's design for marriage. This “one flesh” union is not just physical; it is emotional, spiritual, and covenantal. Dating couples are not yet in that covenant, so they should not act as though they are. Dating should also be guided by the intention of moving toward this kind of permanent, exclusive commitment, rather than seeking temporary satisfaction.
  • Proverbs 4:23 encourages guarding our hearts with care and wisdom. In dating, emotional vulnerability must be balanced with discernment, setting boundaries that protect us from premature attachments or sexual impurity.
  • Song of Solomon describes the romantic love between a man and a woman prior to marriage and after. While it poetically portrays physical attraction, it also reflects God's design for love that is patient, exclusive, and deeply rooted in mutual respect. Song of Solomon 2:7 provides wisdom for a couple prior to marriage: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem… that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” Physical and emotional intimacy are powerful forces meant for covenantal love.
  • The Old Testament strongly condemns sexual immorality (see Leviticus 18).
  • The tragic story in Genesis 34 shows what happens when boundaries are ignored. Shechem violated Dinah, and though he claimed to love her afterward, the damage was done. The story ends in violence and sorrow, showing the consequences of disregarding God’s design for purity and honor. Love and intimacy is meant to be experienced only within the covenant of marriage.

from the new testament

  • First Thessalonians 4:3-5 calls for purity and self-control prior to marriage and afterward. Boundaries in dating, especially physically, should help couples avoid sexual immorality and cultivate love and respect for each other’s bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit.
  • Second Timothy 2:22 encourages believers to actively pursue godliness and to avoid situations that might feed sinful desires. In dating, boundaries should help both people flee temptation and focus on spiritual growth together.
  • Ephesians 5:3 reads: “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.” Paul sets a high standard for purity—not just in action but in reputation. Dating relationships should reflect holiness, avoiding sin and the appearance or suggestion of compromise.
  • The Bible is clear that sexual activity outside of marriage is sin: “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). In dating, this means avoiding anything that stirs up sexual desire outside of marriage, such as foreplay, nudity, or sleeping in the same bed.

implications for today

Setting boundaries in dating isn’t just about following rules; it’s about protecting your heart, honoring God, and building a relationship on a solid foundation. The Bible gives us a powerful framework when we put it into practice. Song of Solomon 2:7 reminds us not to rush love. It’s easy to get swept up in emotions and desires, but in godly relationships, couples take time to know each other and build trust before diving into more serious commitments. Certain gifts are reserved for marriage only. Dating as if you are courting someone else's future husband or wife helps us maintain respect and honor for the other person and move toward marriage.

Proverbs 4:23 takes it even further by telling us to guard our hearts. This is so important in today’s world, where emotions can be shared freely and quickly. We’re called to protect our vulnerability, ensuring that it’s shared with someone who values and respects us, not just because of the attraction but for the right reasons.

When it comes to the physical side of dating, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 challenges us to flee from sexual immorality, urging us to honor God with our bodies. This means having the courage to set limits. Be clear with your partner about your biblical commitment to sexual purity, and don’t wait for temptation to arise to make those decisions. First Thessalonians 4:3-5 calls us to live in holiness and purity. Avoid tempting situations. Instead, spend time in public spaces or with friends, where the pressure is off, and you can focus on building your connection without compromising your values.

Ultimately, Galatians 5:22-23 reminds us that a fruit of the Spirit is self-control. Boundaries are more than rules; they’re about walking with the Holy Spirit and choosing to reflect God’s love in your relationship. It’s not always easy, but you’re not alone in this. By staying connected to God, surrounding yourself with wise counsel, and holding each other accountable, you can create a relationship that honors Him and sets the stage for something lasting and beautiful.

understand

  • Emotional boundaries are needed in dating to guard our hearts from premature or sinful attachment.
  • To ​​honor God with our bodies, to honor the other person, and to uphold the sacredness of intimacy in marriage, we must set physical boundaries in dating.
  • Spiritual boundaries in dating to ensure we are seeking to live for God and avoid situations that lead to compromise or that feed sinful desires.

reflect

  • How can you ensure that you are setting God-honoring boundaries in your dating relationships to protect your heart and body from premature attachments?
  • What physical boundaries are necessary in your relationships to honor God and keep the sacredness of intimacy reserved for marriage?
  • How do you actively pursue spiritual purity in your dating life and avoid situations that might compromise your commitment to God?

engage

  • What is the importance of boundaries in dating, and what is the benefit of setting them prior to problems occurring?
  • What practical steps can we take to set physical boundaries in dating that reflect God’s design for love and intimacy?
  • How can we support those who are dating to create and uphold biblical and God-honoring boundaries?